Rianne: “I have a baby and I'm pregnant, everyone has something to say about it. 'Was it planned? Better you than me!'”

Eight months ago, I was still lying on the couch with my maternity pads and engorgement, with tiny Sue on my chest. I remember it like it was yesterday. The first time she looked at me with those big eyes. And now, less than a year later, I am once again carrying a child in my womb. 14 weeks pregnant already. And for those who think: “Oops, that must have been an accident”, no, not at all. This child is more than welcome. Even a conscious choice. But try explaining that to the rest of the world.

“Already?!”

When I had my positive test in hand, I felt nothing but joy. Martijn and I were overjoyed. We had consciously chosen to try 'low key' again when Sue was about six months old. Not necessarily to get pregnant right away, but just: if it happens, it happens. And two months later, it happened. When I told my mother, she raised her eyebrows. "Already?" She tried to smile, but I saw the doubt in her eyes. "Isn't that a bit... quick?" As if we hadn't thought it through properly. As if we had overlooked something. As if there's an ideal plan for expanding a family. And that plan... wasn't ours.

“Was it planned?”, what a question

As if that should be the standard first reaction: “Was it planned?” What do you think? Yes, it was planned. Because we like having a small age difference. Because we felt we could handle it. Because there is room, in our hearts and in our home. Because I didn't feel the need to first 'find myself again' or 'enjoy my sleep extensively'. That is, by the way, no judgment towards other mothers, let that be clear.

The judgments were flying around me

What I hadn't anticipated was how the environment would react. The judgments didn't necessarily come from angry people, but from surprised, uncomfortable, sometimes even giggly comments. As if we were doing something crazy. As if I had something to explain. “Better you than me,” said a friend, holding her third cappuccino. I laughed along sheepishly, but inside I felt a sting. Because what do you say then? “Yes, better me than you indeed, because all you do is complain about your three-year-old toddler.” Others asked: “But was your body ready for that?” or “And how are you going to manage with sleep?” or “Sue has just been born, hasn’t she?” Yes, Sue has just been born. And yes, that sometimes makes it exciting. But no one asked: How do you feel about it? Or: How wonderful for you!

As if I'm stupid

It's so remarkable how quickly people can suddenly see you as thoughtless or naive, just because you got pregnant again quickly. As if I'm not a thoughtful, grown adult. As if we haven't sought information. As if we haven't discussed the physical and mental consequences. And above all: as if my happiness isn't legitimate because it's 'too soon'.

The baby items are still there

We still have everything at home. The Maxi-Cosi, the cradle, the playpen... everything is still there. We don't need to buy anything again. It will save us so much hassle later on. Sue will be just one and a half when her little brother or sister arrives, so diapers, bottles, naps; it's all still fresh in our system. Yes, it's going to be tough. But you know what I also think? That I'll be standing in the playground with two little ones and watching them giggle together in the sandbox, growing up as an inseparable duo. That they might become each other's best friends. That there's always someone to play with, to laugh with, to argue with, to share with. That's what I want to give them. Not because I'm chasing a fairy tale. But because this is our dream. And we are living that dream.

Even difficult moments

That doesn't mean I never have doubts. There are days when Sue wakes up at 05:15, I change her diaper three times and by 09:30 I'm already longing for a nap. There are days when I stumble to the bathroom with a bloated belly, a whiny toddler, and zero energy. And then I really do think for a moment: What have we done?! But those moments never last long. Because the desire for our second child is genuine.

“What do you then say to the outside world?”

Mart recently said: “We don't have to explain anything. If people don't understand, that says more about them than about us.” And he's right. But still, it sometimes feels uncomfortable when someone raises their eyebrows and asks with a grin: “Pregnant again?”, followed by that look that says just a bit too much. I try to remind myself that it's not up to me to correct their assumptions. I'd rather put my energy into something else. Into Sue and the baby in my womb.

What I want to impart to others

Ben je zelf ook snel weer zwanger geraakt? Of overweeg je het? Dan wil ik je dit zeggen: volg je gevoel. Niet de mening van je schoonmoeder. Niet het advies van een random buurvrouw in de supermarkt. Niet de suggesties van moeders die het nooit zo zouden doen. Want weet je? Iedereen beleeft het ouderschap anders. En dat is juist mooi. De één heeft tien jaar tussen haar kinderen, de ander negen maanden. Het is allemaal goed. Als het maar jóuw keuze is. Jouw tempo. Jouw lijf. Jouw gezin.

A new chapter

In a few months, we will welcome our second child. A girl or a boy, we don't know yet. And although it sometimes feels overwhelming, it mostly feels right. I feel powerful. Yes, tired too. And uncertain. But above all: grateful. Grateful to be pregnant again. Grateful that our family is growing. Grateful that soon I'll be able to hug two children who came so close together, but will forever be each other's anchor. So yes, I am pregnant again. And yes, that is intentional.

SPIDER

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