The midwife said that everything was fine, but I felt otherwise, and I was right

It was July 16, 2021

I felt different. But not so different that I immediately suspected something. My friend did notice that I was hungrier and also very tired. “It must be my depression,” I thought. When I woke up feeling extremely nauseous that morning, my friend immediately realized what was going on. “You're pregnant!”, he said. I didn't quite believe it myself, because I knew I had just ovulated. I also felt completely different from when I was pregnant with our daughter. I didn't have that typical feeling of happiness. No butterflies in my stomach. Yet we decided to take a test. To my surprise, it was positive. I couldn't understand it at all. I really didn't feel pregnant. Yet from that moment on, our future as a family of four began.

Happy, proud and scared

After the test, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of happiness. I was joyful and nothing could stop me from being proud of this great news. Somewhere I was also scared. "Isn't it supposed to be that you feel very pregnant right away?", I wondered. A few days later, I called the midwife to share this amazing news with them. Since according to my ovulation I was only very newly pregnant, we decided to wait a bit before planning a first ultrasound. After all, anything could still happen at this stage. Therefore, we agreed that I could come in for an intake and first ultrasound in two weeks.

Severe stabs

The waiting days flew by. I felt less and less pregnant. I even sometimes forgot that I had a little person growing inside my belly. Very strange, because I did not recognize this at all from the pregnancy I had before. When I suddenly got severe pains in my belly a week before the first ultrasound, I was allowed to come in immediately to see the midwife. There was little to see at this term. It was purely for my reassurance.

The first ultrasound

On the ultrasound, there was a very small circle visible. A circle that didn't even come close to a pregnancy at this stage. It felt completely wrong to me. The midwife reassured me by saying that it was quite possible that I had a late implantation. Because of that, I could be a week less far along than thought. We agreed that I would come back in a week to see if anything had changed. When I got home, I really had a bad feeling. That's why I told my partner that I was expecting this to turn into a miscarriage. I just felt it in everything. It wasn't right. Despite the kind and loving words from the midwife. It wasn't right.

A beating heart

The following week we were allowed to come in for the official first ultrasound. At this ultrasound, everything suddenly seemed fine again. The calculations were correct and there was a beautiful and strong beating heart visible. Despite still not feeling any signs of pregnancy, this was the most beautiful moment I could wish for. We received the well-known pregnancy suitcase. In my mind, the nursery was already completely ready. I could also already envision how our little girl would become a big sister.

Cramps and bleeding

Until a few days later. I started getting cramps again and suddenly began to bleed. “Is my feeling being confirmed after all? Is this a miscarriage? Is this what it feels like?”, I wondered. In a panic, I called the midwife. I was allowed to come in right away. The ultrasound showed no sign of a miscarriage. The little bean from last week had suddenly grown into a tiny seven-week-old gumdrop, with still a strong beating heart.

Hope

After this ultrasound, I slowly started to feel a glimmer of hope. Hope that this might still turn out to be a healthy pregnancy. Several people around us mentioned that it's not uncommon to experience bleeding in the first weeks. Every pregnancy is different. For instance, with Sophie I was constantly nauseous and I immediately knew I was pregnant. This time, I really didn't feel anything at all. According to everyone around us, that was normal.

The bleeding got worse

I had arranged with the midwife to come by every week for a check-up. Just to give us peace of mind. A few days after this appointment, I was back at the midwife's office. The bleeding had gotten worse and it now resembled a period. But still, according to her, everything was fine. The baby hadn't grown, but its heartbeat was still strong. I was allowed to come back again next week.

I lost a lot of blood again

That week we had decided to just let it go. We left for a weekend away to my parents. When we arrived at my parents' place, I really lost an incredible amount of blood. I wasn't feeling well. In my mind, for the fifth time, I had said goodbye to this little one. For the fifth time. This little one, who was so incredibly welcome. We decided to go to the hospital and there I got another ultrasound. And once again, everything seemed fine, still no signs of an impending miscarriage.

Guilt

But where did the bleedings come from? They had no idea. After the first bleeding, we agreed with the midwife that I would rest as much as possible. I was not allowed to lift anything, bend over too often, and certainly not to walk a lot. Every time I lost blood, I felt extremely guilty. I had the feeling it was my fault. “Did I perhaps do too much? Was that one time I lifted my daughter too much? Is it my fault if things really go wrong?”, I kept asking myself.

Confusion

At the ultrasound in the hospital, they said I was nine weeks pregnant. However, the measurement only showed 8.2 weeks. Almost a week less than what we had expected. If we went by the date of my ovulation, I should have been eleven weeks pregnant by then. We were set back a week, then moved forward, and then set back again. It was all very confusing. Apart from the bleedings, this was the only thing we were still worried about. Because how could it vary so much each time? We soon got an answer to this.

I did not feel understood

When we returned after the weekend away, I decided to say goodbye in my head for the last time. Everyone around us indicated that it would be alright. As long as the heart was still beating and the baby was growing – even if it wasn't growing by the book – it should be fine. I could very well be one of those people who continued to experience bleeding during the first weeks of pregnancy. It was extremely frustrating that my entire feeling was that it wasn't right. While everyone around me suggested that I shouldn't be so negative. And should keep hope. That really hurt. “Is my feeling really that wrong?”, I wondered.

The general practitioner did not trust it

On Monday, I called the general practitioner for my little daughter's ears. When I walked into her office, she congratulated me on my pregnancy. When I told her about the bleedings I had been having for weeks and that I didn't feel pregnant, she was greatly shocked. She couldn't understand why the midwife hadn't referred me to a gynecologist for further examination. She didn't hesitate for a moment and scheduled an appointment. Quite coincidentally, this appointment was a day after my weekly visit to the midwife.

Normal?

Filled with anxiety and sorrow, I walked into the midwifery clinic. I cried. I told her that my hope for a healthy pregnancy had truly vanished. The only thing that reminded me I was pregnant were the bleedings that continuously troubled me. Once again, she tried to reassure me by saying that it could be normal. That I shouldn't worry.

Ultrasound at the midwife's

I was allowed to lie down on the couch and she performed an ultrasound. First externally, as that seemed more comfortable given the bleeding. When after five minutes of searching she still couldn't find a beating heart, she asked me to go to the bathroom for a moment. The image could be disturbed by a full bladder. By now, I should have been over ten weeks pregnant. I know that by then you should be able to see a small moving baby with a strong beating heart. I already knew at that moment that something was wrong, but I thought: "Let's try it one more time."

Still an internal ultrasound

After my visit to the restroom, I was allowed to lie down again. She decided to do an internal ultrasound after all. A deadly silence fell. I didn't dare to say anything. I knew my feeling was right, but I waited for her words as confirmation. But suddenly she shouted very loudly: “There! There is the heartbeat!”. I still couldn't see anything, so I asked her if she was sure. She confirmed it. She was certain. She also didn't think it was necessary to go to the gynecologist the next day for an additional examination. Everything was really fine.