Janne: “I'm so ashamed, I still smoke half a pack of cigarettes a day and I'm pregnant”
I am now 28 weeks pregnant and my belly is unmistakable. It's true what they say about a second pregnancy and the growth of your belly. My little boy is growing well and kicks all day long. Sometimes I find it truly magical to feel those little movements. But at the same time, I feel something else: guilt. A guilt that I can't really shake off. Because if I'm honest, I still smoke. And not just a little, but half a pack a day. Almost no one knows or they think I smoke just a single cigarette. I'm mortified that I do this and I know it's bad, but I just can't quit.
Why isn't it working now?
Everyone says you should stop smoking as soon as you're pregnant. And I know it, I really do. But then why can't I quit? I've stopped so many times. When I lay my hands on my stomach and feel him move again, I think: “Why am I doing this? What kind of mother am I?” It may sound exaggerated, but I feel like a bad mother. I want to protect my children from everything and now I'm doing this myself, even though I know what the consequences can be... but knowing and doing are two different things.
After a few months, I was back to square one
I tried. Really, I did. During my previous pregnancy, with my little boy Lars, I even quit under the guidance of a professional. I thought I would be able to keep it up, that I could finally overcome that urge. But after a few months, I was back to square one. I still remember that time I was in the car, after a stressful day, and I felt like I just needed a cigarette. It was as if my hands weren't even my own anymore, they lit up that cigarette so quickly. I felt terrible, especially because half the time I didn't even know why I had started again.
As if it's some kind of forbidden fruit
Now, during this pregnancy, I really can't resist the temptation. I look at it as if it's some kind of forbidden fruit, but I can't turn off the urge. Then I'm that mother again who thinks that 'just for a moment' it isn't so bad. “I'm already 28 weeks pregnant, he's big enough. This won't do any more harm,” I tell myself. But deep down I know this isn't true. I've sought professional help again this time, but this time I just can't seem to quit..
A secret that I find hard to bear myself
The tricky part is that nobody really sees it. Nobody notices. My partner obviously knows that I smoke, but not how much I smoke. He is always so understanding, but I don't dare tell him this. He always says: “You're doing fine, Janne. It will be alright.” That sounds nice, but in my head, I keep telling myself that I'm not good enough. It feels like a secret that I'm trying to hide, a secret that I find hard to bear myself. Somewhere, I also just don't want to hear how bad it is for my baby, because then I feel even more guilty. I have enough guilt of my own and don't want others to judge me as well.
What if it affects my baby?
I think about my little son Lars, who will soon have a brother. How will I ever explain to him why I couldn't stop smoking? What if it affects my baby? And if Lars ever asks why I couldn't stop for him? My mind is constantly spinning in circles, but the cigarette is a kind of solace for everything I feel. The tension of the pregnancy, the worries about the delivery, the uncertainties of parenthood... a cigarette is like a vent for that storm in my head. Then, for a moment, everything is calm.
How can I be a good mother if I can't kick this habit?
On my worst days, I even think that I am not enough for my children. How can I be a good mother to them if I can't kick this bad habit? Then I feel like I might not be setting the right example for them. And that breaks my heart. I want nothing more than to protect my children and be a role model for them. I hope that one day I will manage to be completely free of cigarettes..
JANNE
