Now I'm certain, Emma was already having epileptic seizures in my womb
During my first pregnancy, I felt that something was not right
The way movements in my belly were so different from what my sisters had described in their pregnancies. I had felt their babies with my hand on their stomachs and what my baby was doing was incomparable. Some days I felt nothing and would be on the phone with my midwife promptly. Multiple trips to the hospital, but nothing. Nothing unusual to see, nothing worrisome. Other days she would kick so hard it hurt, very early on in the pregnancy. But not like I knew from stories. When she would thrash about, everything would go wild. My belly would shift from one lump to another and it could last for five minutes straight. And then suddenly, suddenly it would go quiet again. Like a fierce storm at sea that could change from one moment to the next into deep silence. Then it could be a whole day before I felt anything again.
I found it terrifying, and also because of my decision to stop taking my antidepressants, past fears resurfaced
Literally a jar whose lid was pulled off all at once. I stopped working around 20 weeks and ended up staying at home. Which was definitely better, but also lonely. My past with my eating disorder made it difficult for me to cope with changes to my body. The sexual abuse from my teenage years made it hard for me to form attachments, and I found it terrifying when someone touched me. The medical examinations didn't get any easier and the inexplicable worries soon made me depressed.
When Emma was born, the maternity nurse stayed extra long
with whom I had a really good connection. Clenn was at home and the child health clinic helped wherever they could. Afterwards, the baby monitor was downstairs in the living room so Clenn could check at work if everything was okay at home. I slept on the couch in the afternoon and Emma either slept in the playpen or in the stroller. I didn't dare to put her upstairs in her own bed. Looking back, I really did enjoy those first two months. But that came to an abrupt end when the first convulsions became visible.
Now I am 33 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby and everything feels different
When she moves, it's as if she's doing the wave. Slowly I feel a leg, or an elbow, moving along my abdominal wall. Very relaxed and I can fantasize about what it looks like. Now I can clearly feel how she's positioned and where I can find her little bottom. Sometimes a foot here and there can't find its place, causing a bump on my stomach. But nothing is rhythmic, painful, or chaotic. Now I'm truly learning which body part is where and I realize that Emma is moving both arms and legs at the same time.
Now I'm certain, Emma already had epileptic seizures in my womb
I always knew something was wrong, but couldn't pinpoint what it was and had no proof. When Emma had her first seizures at two months old, I was naturally shocked, but after the initial examinations, everything was confirmed. When she had a seizure and I looked at her, it felt the same as when she was in my womb. But I couldn't prove that. Now, I am certain. Because her little sister confirms it. My maternal instincts have been right from the start. I turned them into fears back then, because I didn't know any better. Because I trusted the gynecologists and midwives more than I trusted myself. Now, I have confidence in myself as a mother and no longer doubt my feelings. Never underestimate your maternal instinct. Listen to your motherly intuition. Without perhaps realizing it, it's all you need.
ILJA (click here to browse my Instagram)
